I am frequently told by the mentees I coach that they avoid dealing with professionals who expect reciprocity when referring clients. "I rarely can give a referral in return, so there is no point," they reason.

There are flaws in this type of thinking,though it is true that referrers do expect payback since they have given you something of value. Indeed, barter is an integral part of human relationships and people do keep score (as mentioned in my "Quick Advice on Improving Our Relationships" CD set).

When currency was not yet in use and barter ruled the day, if someone gave you chickens, he or she might be repaid with pails of milk or a bale of wool or maybe a ride across a churning river in a boat. In effect, something of value was given in return for what was received.

In modern times when someone gives you a referral, that person will likely expect a referral in return—but if you give something different that has value, he or she might be equally or even more happy. What might that repayment be? Maybe you gave a speech for a major business or trade organization and developed a friendly relationship with the program chairperson who chooses the speakers. If you were to give an introduction and positive recommendation of the referrer to that program chairperson, it could result in an opportunity for the referrer to present to that group of business people. Possibly you could perform a professional service for the referrer free of charge. Perhaps you have a special connection in the computer industry and can get the referrer a favorable price on a desirable piece of hardware. You might even assist in getting the referrer's son or daughter some interviews with a few of your best clients.

The possibilities go on ad infinitum. You can be very resourceful in creating repayments. My point is that if someone gives you chickens, you don't have to give back chickens in return! Goats or farming tools or stones for building roads will also work.

A problem does arise when there is no reciprocal payback at all and no apparent effort to pay back in any manner! The referrer usually becomes disgruntled and the relationship might easily grind to an unpleasant halt and end. On the other hand, if the referrer observes efforts to return the favor, the goodwill of the relationship will be preserved.

In general, most of us are not presented with frequent opportunities to refer back. So what can be done? Contact the referrer and tell him or her that you very much appreciate the referral and wish to express thanks. State that you have not forgotten your obligation to reciprocate and that you are searching high and low for an opportunity. The referrer will appreciate your acknowledgement and may very well give you yet another referral! It does happen.

If several months go by and you still have not had an opportunity to reciprocate, repeat the above pledge and renew your efforts to reciprocate in another manner.

Comedy Corner

An elderly bank customer is continually writing checks for more than she has in her account. To prevent her from being embarrassed, bank employees repeatedly cash the checks but call her each time to inform her that they are doing so. Finally, out of frustration, the bank president sends the lady a note that reads: "Madam, our bank examiner has informed us that you really must begin banking with us as opposed to our banking with you!"