“They are fighting again!”
By Adam Radzik
Consultant to Professional Firms

The loud voices, the red faces, the slamming doors, the muttered curses, the taking sides, the silent treatment – these are all among the recognizable symptoms of unresolved conflict. People become upset, not only the combatants but onlookers as well. It is not pleasant to be present when conflict rages out of control.

In my latest book, How to Act Before, During and After the Argument, the reader is instructed as to how to reduce the unpleasant dimensions of conflict.

The book is not about eliminating conflict, as conflict is a natural outgrowth of the fact that Lucy thinks it’s too cold in the room and Desi thinks the temperature is perfect. As soon as two or more people collect in one spot, there will be different opinions about everything from color and word choices to priorities, how to spend money, whether to take that offer, who should run that meeting and how much of a raise Warren should get.

Points raised in the “Before the Argument” section of my book include

• Arguing is worth the effort if you continue to be invested in the relationship.
• Don’t forget that the desired ultimate outcome of the argument is to resume having a positive relationship with your partner.
• The ability to raise, and resolve, problems is the key to a successful relationship.
• Do not expect to win on every point.

Points raised in the “During the Argument” section include

• Only argue about one subject at a time.
• Do nothing whatsoever to produce or promote fear in your partner.
• Don’t make believe everything is okay if everything is not okay.
• Divide the speaking time in such a way that both participants have equal time.

Points raised in the “After the Argument” section include

• If the other person loses the argument, provide them with a graceful
  face-saving exit.
• Do not agree to solutions you will not implement.
• Do not reveal the nature of the argument to outsiders, unless you have the express permission of your partner.
• Allow your emotional engines to cool down before seeking reconciliation. This may be a three to five day period.

Points raised in the “Fewer Arguments Altogether” section include

• Compromise may be the most important word in any language.
• The more restrictions you put on your partner, the more arguments are bound to occur.
• Choosing partners who have similar goals reduces conflict significantly.
• Violating someone else’s boundaries makes conflict a certainty.

Should your firm desire a seminar on How to Act Before, During and After The Argument, or require assistance with a conflict situation that requires resolution, please contact SIC today.


Comedy Corner

Henry was bragging to his old friend, Alvin, about how successful his three sons were. Glowing, he reported that his eldest, Jim, was a contractor who built homes for the very rich. “You should see those multimillion-dollar houses. You could get lost in them.” His middle son, Craig, he explained to Alvin, was a computer manufacturer. He had big contracts with Dell and Gateway to make computers for them. Craig was very successful. Henry’s youngest, Dustin, worked on Wall Street as an investment banker and he was in on all of the biggest deals. He was also, thank God, very successful. “That’s very nice,” responded Alvin. Henry thought for a moment, put his head down and mumbled, “And thank God I make enough money from my grocery store to support all three of them!”

It was in the winter of 1924 and a young man, Sven, hurriedly boarded a train. After a while he approached an older man who was sitting opposite him. “Kind sir, could I trouble you to tell me the time?” His fellow passenger looked at him stone faced and didn’t respond. Sven believed the man had not heard him above the din of the moving train. Raising his voice, he tried again. He received the same reaction. Sven was leaning forward, about to make another attempt, when the older man addressed him in a loud and direct manner. “I am no fool. I know what’s going on here and I know your game. First, you ask me what time it is and then, of course, you strike up a conversation with me. I get to my stop and you get off with me. As we are waiting for our baggage, you inform me that you have no place to stay. I am not without a heart, so I tell you that you may lodge with my family for a few days. My oldest daughter, Sarah, falls in love with you right away and a short while later you come to me requesting Sarah’s hand in marriage. And believe you me, young man,” he roared, “No one is going to marry my daughter who does not even own his own watch!”